Don't Ask Me What This Madness Is
by TTY7
Summary: From time to time, Téa Gardner wishes she had female friends. At the end of this mess, she's going to wish she hadn't...and so will the rest of the world. With the threat of the Great Leviathan and the Doma Duelists looming, the addition of global gender bending was the last thing anyone needed. (A Yu-Gi-Oh Genderbend Parody starring FemYugi, FemJoey, and FemKaiba. Oh Lord...)
1. Don't Ask Me What This Madness Is

A/N: I'm not even going to bother trying to explain how this madness came to be. In all honesty, this is probably the most convoluted craziness to ever come out of my mind, but I'm rolling with it because I figure posting this may make some people laugh out there. (Christmas is a fun holiday, but it can be depressing for some people, so I decided to supply the medicine of laughter...hopefully. Kinda depends on your own sense of humor really. Mine has mutated over the years.

 **Warning** : The content below was written to get excess mess out of my head. It makes absolutely no sense, but is at least grammatically correct...for the most part. In other words, do not take this piece seriously. It's a Yu-Gi-Oh parody that I crafted just to have a little fun and share with friends. And despite my best efforts to keep my stories "appropriate" I feel that this one is headed down a dark road of crazy so...be warned. I've lost my mind.

This story is dedicated to my friends here on Fanfiction. You guys are the best!

* * *

 _Chapter 1- Don't Ask Me What This Madness Is_

Téa Gardner was confused.

No confused wasn't the right adjective to describe the thoughts rolling through the brunette's mind. For a minute she stood before the entrance of the Kame Game Shop, glancing between the people standing inside with a look of abject horror as she wracked her brain for the proper adjective to describe what she was feeling.

Actually, now that she thought of it, _horror_ was a good way to put it. She was horrified, completely and utterly horrified beyond imagination.

And why was she horrified...well, if you asked Téa to explain, she would probably roll her eyes and simply point at the people standing inside as if _that_ alone would be enough to clarify things. Thankfully for all the curious minds peering at their computer screens, I, the narrator, am here to enlighten you. You should probably thank me in the comment section. These people don't pay me enough to deal with the shenanigans of these crazy anime characters...

Fourth wall breaking aside, the problem remains. Téa is in a state of horror, staring into the Kame Game Shop where her best friend, Yugi Muto, the King of Games, resided with his grandpa, a Mr. Solomon Muto. Earlier that day, since there was a big project coming up at school, Téa had organized for Yugi and their two other friends Tristan and Joey, to meet at the game shop before heading off to the museum to study some Grecian artifacts that they would later have to write a thesis over. As usual, Tristan and Joey were opposed to participating, but Yugi talked them into it by saying they could all hit the arcade afterward. Upon hearing Tristan and Joey's cheers over the phone, Téa couldn't help wishing that she had more female friends.

Why on Earth did she ever wish that?

Somehow, in the time it took for Téa to walk from her house to the game shop, the entire planet had gone topsy turvy. Either that or she had completely lost her mind. The latter was definitely a more likely scenario. After all, when you spend most of your time hanging out with a guy who claims to have the spirit of a five thousand year-old pharaoh living inside him, you're bound to be affected in some way, especially if lunatics are constantly after him.

Of course, that's beside the point. The point is...

"How...in...the world..." Téa trailed off, a bead of sweat rolling down the side of her face as she stared at her three best friends through the glass. They were chatting with one another as if everything were _normal_ , but oh no. This... _madness_...was far from being any kind of normal.

Yugi turned, his bright panda eyes bright as he waved at Téa through the window. However, noticing her expression, the light in those violet orbs diminished considerably...almost as if he knew they couldn't keep up the charade.

Shaking her head and praying it was all just her imagination, Téa opened the door to the shop, marching in with her eyes squeezed shut because she wasn't certain if she was dreaming or this was some twisted reality.

"Uh...Téa...are you okay?"

The brunette girl visibly twitched at the sound of Joey's voice...because while the Brooklyn accent was still present, the usual deepness to it was gone. In fact, it was completely erased altogether.

Téa opened her eyes and nearly had a heart attack on the spot as she glanced between her three friends.

"I...I..." The poor girl was speechless.

Brown eyes flickered over to Yugi. "Yug this is bad. Téa's gone into shock or somethin'."

"Well that's to be expected given our appearance brainiac," Tristan stated, the deepness of his voice also gone. Téa's cerulean orbs widened considerably as her head shifted in his direction.

"Tri...Tristan...is that...you?"

Tristan was blushing furiously. "Look I know what you're thinking Téa, but I promise this isn't any lame attempt at a joke."

"Yeah," Joey interjected, still not sounding like himself, much to Téa's horror. "We've got a real problem here!"

Téa took a few steps back to gaze upon her three best friends. She started with Joey, since she had already caught a glimpse of him. For whatever reason his hair was longer, the strands landing along his chest where he was clearly hiding some grapefruit. (As far as Téa was concerned, what other explanation could there be for... _that_ ). He seemed the most embarrassed by the situation since he kept his arms crossed in front of himself as he fidgeted. He was wearing his usual white t-shirt with the blue box design on the front, but instead of his usual jeans he was wearing a pair of Serenity's short-shorts.

He growled when he caught her staring at his new, womanly legs. "They were the only thing that fit okay!"

"Joey, try to calm down," Yugi stated, though his words of wisdom were a tough sale given his state. Like Joey, his tri-colored hair was longer and noticeably less spiky. He was wearing his usual outfit though, which comforted Téa a bit even though he was having the same grapefruit problem as Joey.

Then there was Tristan.

Poor, poor Tristan...

While Yugi and Joey actually managed to look like teenage girls, Tristan looked more like a mannish woman. His hair was still extremely pointy at the end and the rest of his hair landed right at his shoulders. He was wearing a white button up shirt, which was doing very little to hide the small watermelon issue he had going on, khakis, and a dark brown jacket over the ensemble. The mustache that he had begun to grow out a couple weeks earlier was still present over his now full lips.

Téa would have laughed had she not been so horrified.

"How did this...how did this even happen?" she asked, turning toward Yugi as if he... _she_ would have all the answers.

"Well," Yugi began, his new voice sounding like an adorable little girl's voice, "From what I gather, someone has cast a shadow spell on us, but why they chose this spell...honestly I don't know what's going on any more than you do Téa."

"Yeah," Joey cut in. "We were normal a few hours ago...and then all of a sudden..." He pointed to his chest. "This happened! And it's so weird! I'm freaking out!"

"Newsflash Wheeler, we all are," Tristan interjected, pointing at his own oversized bust. "I'm walking around with watermelons hanging off of me."

"Gah! TMI Tristan!"

"What! It's the truth Wheeler!"

Yugi let out a soft sigh before looking at Téa. "Well, at least you're unaffected by whatever spell has been cast on us."

"Either that or her transformation hasn't started yet," Tristan muttered, smirking almost evilly at her. "Oh boy...now that's going to be hilarious."

Joey walked toward the steps at the back of the shop. "I need to sit down. This is too much for me to handle."

Téa was thinking along the same lines as Joey. The fact that her three best friends had somehow transformed into the female friends she had been wishing for was deeply disturbing and since she was still normal, the brunette wondered if her flippant wish had been the cause of the craziness unfolding before her.

She shook her head. " _Not possible...or is it...oh boy..."_

Before anything else could be discussed, the phone started ringing. Yugi turned away, his longer hair bouncing along as he _skipped_ to the wall receiver.

"Yug! What's up with the skipping!" Joey exclaimed while flailing his arms like a deranged chicken.

"It's...a bit involuntary Joey," was the answer Yugi gave as he started to pick up the still ringing phone.

"Wait, are you sure you should answer that right now?" Tristan asked, pursing his lips in a way that made him look like he was pouting. It made Téa gag.

" _Yep, I'm going to be sick,_ " she thought, covering her mouth when the nausea hit. Joey was in a similar state, having practically passed out at the back of the shop from the stress of having seen his friend skip about like a toddler.

Meanwhile, Yugi had finally pressed the phone to his ear. "Hello. This is the Kame Game-Shop! Yu...uh *Yori Muto speaking. How may I help you?"

"Nice save," Tristan muttered.

Yugi didn't hear his friend's words, mainly because the woman on the other end of the phone was screaming at him like a banshee.

"PUT ME ON THE PHONE WITH YUGI MUTO NOW!"

Joey jolted out of his stupor from the loud screeching sounds coming from the phone. "Who the heck is that?"

Yugi covered the end of the phone so the caller couldn't hear. "I don't know, but she sounds really upset."

"I think she's _way_ past upset," Tristan commented, stepping closer to Yugi. "You should probably just hang up."

"But she wanted to speak to me..."

Before Yugi could finish the phone was vibrating again, seemingly from the force of the screams on the other side.

"DON'T YOU DARE IGNORE SETO KAIBA!"

At that shout, Téa's mouth fell to the floor. " _What!? No! What!?"_

Joey and Tristan had similar expressions of shock on their faces. They looked at each other, then back at the phone, then back at each other as the pieces fell into place in their heads.

"No way," Joey murmured, his brown eyes wider than ever. "No freakin' way..."

Yugi's expression was blank as he timidly answered back. "Kai-Kaiba? Is that you?"

The other end of the phone was silent for a moment. "Umm...no...this...is not Seto Kaiba. You did not hear me say that. I wouldn't say that. Clearly I'm not him...because I'm a woman and Seto Kaiba is a man...now if you could just put Yugi on the phone..."

Joey yanked the phone out of Yugi's hand before he could answer. "Kaiba! You're a girl now too!?"

By this point Téa had moved to a lonely corner of the shop to cry. " _Please, make it stop. If this is a dream, please let me wake up. Enough is enough."_

"Oh, way to let the cat out of the bag, Joey!" Tristan shouted indignantly, slapping his forehead with his hand. "Jeez, can you be any more subtle?"

Joey glared at the mannish woman standing next to him. "Look Tristina, we're in a bit of a situation here, we don't have time to beat around the bush. We gotta figure out what's going on and get our bodies back to normal pronto! I do not want Serenity to see me like this." His expression fell into a deep scowl. "She'd either try to get my head examined or give me a makeover. I don't like either of those options."

"And I can't let Grandpa see me like this," Yugi mumbled, blushing furiously. "He'd probably have a heart attack..." Yugi's violet panda eyes suddenly widened, almost as if *Melvin had returned from the purple realm he had been sent to a solid three months ago.

"Hey...are you people ignoring me again!"

Kaiba's words went unheard as four pairs of eyes turned to the bottom of the stairs where Solomon Muto was making his grand appearance as Grandma Muto.

"Holy Ra..." Yugi fell backwards to the floor with a thunderous thud. The impact was so vicious that it caused stars to dance around the boy's...now girl's...head.

Tea was by his side in an instant. "Yugi! Oh no! Are you okay?" The brunette winced even as she asked the question. Of course he wasn't okay. That much was blatantly obvious.

Joey didn't bother to take in the sight of Yugi's new grandma. Instead he spoke into the phone. "Kaiba, I think Yugi just had a heart attack. He'll have to get back to you later..."

"YOU WILL NOT BE GETTING BACK TO ME LATER!" Female Kaiba screamed. "Listen here...who am I even speaking to?"

"It's Joey."

"WHEELER!? What the heck happened to your voice!?"

"The same thing that happened to your voice moneybags," Joey replied, sounding annoyed. "Somebody cast some spell on us, and now we're all girls!"

Tristan let out a sigh. "Joey, you are not handling this well at all, are you?"

"Oh, as if you are!"

"Guys, stop it," Téa pleaded, trying to wake up Yugi along with his new grandma. She looked just like his grandpa for the most part. The only real difference was that she was having that same watermelon problem as Tristan. It was no wonder Yugi passed out.

In fact, deep in the recesses of the Millennium Puzzle, Yugi was still passed out from the shock of seeing Grandma Muto.

Yami stood over his host, who thankfully looked like his normal self within the puzzle. Yami himself was in his normal spirit state, unchanged by whatever spell that had befallen our heroes. Unfortunately, because of Yugi's unconscious state, he would have to leave the comfort of the mazes in his mind and deal with the horrors that were unfolding outside.

Before Yugi passed out, the ancient spirit had been fighting back chuckles of mirth from the predicament of his friends, glad that he didn't have to be involved.

Karma had come to claim its victim and poor Yami was not happy about it.

"Someone is going to be sent to the Shadow Realm for this," he muttered, taking a deep breath as he braced himself to take over Yugi's body. Closing his eyes, he concentrated until he was able to feel two pairs of hands on either of his shoulders. No doubt those hands belonged to Téa and Grandpa...or Grandma...yep this wasn't going to go well at all.

Opening his eyes, he shot up and shifted his gaze toward the phone Joey was still holding, though clearly he had stopped talking to Kaiba in favor of arguing with Tristan.

"Yugi...are you okay?" Téa asked, noticing in slight disdain that the pharaoh had taken over. So much for the crush she'd harbored for him. With this development she would probably never look at Yami or any of her friends the same way again.

And she prayed she wouldn't have to see Kaiba in whatever state he was in. Oh, that would just push her over the edge. It was bad enough that Yugi suddenly had a grandma.

The blush on Yami's face revealed just how uncomfortable he was. "I'm...adjusting," he replied honestly, forcing his gaze to remain straight ahead of him. He wasn't about to look down for anything.

" _This feels so wrong..._ " he thought hopelessly while slowly prying the phone out of Joey's hand. The blonde was so busy arguing with Tristan that he didn't notice. "Kaiba, I have reason to believe that someone has placed a curse on us..."

"Oh, not this hocus pocus crap again," Kaiba replied, the feminine voice really taking Yami for a loop. "Don't you ever have a reasonable explanation?"

Yami raised an eyebrow. "Tell me, Kaiba, would any explanation be reasonable in this situation?"

Kaiba was clearly growling on the other end of the phone. "Yugi...if you are somehow the cause of this, I am going to _murder_ you, understand?"

"You've made yourself perfectly clear, Kaiba," Yami replied, his expression blank, "But you threatening me isn't going to solve the problem. We need to figure out how and why this happened."

"I don't care about the how and why, Yugi," the C.E.O. roared, the sound of his fists ramming against a tabletop evident over the phone. "All I care about is fixing it! I do not have time to deal with whatever this is, and furthermore, I am not happy that my brother also became a target!"

Yami's eyebrow lifted a bit higher. "Mokuba is affected too?"

"Every male member of my staff has become a woman!"

The ancient pharaoh had to hold the phone away from him for a moment. Once Kaiba had calmed down, he brought the device back to his ear. "What do you propose we do then? From what it sounds like, this isn't an isolated incident. Tell me, have any of your female staff become men?"

Kaiba was silent for a moment. "No."

" _This is most strange_ ," Yami thought, bringing a hand to his chin. " _What could be the cause?"_

 _"Pharaoh, do you think that maybe it has something to do with that weird thing that happened at the museum yesterday?"_

 _"Ah, Yugi, you're awake,"_ was the mental reply Yami gave to his host. " _It is good to see you in a more normal state."_

 _"Feels better too,_ " Yugi answered, smiling cheerily at the fact that he didn't have that grapefruit problem anymore...at least for the time being. " _Anyway, you remember how we took the Egyptian God Cards to that tablet?"_

Yami almost glared at his host. _"Of course, it was just yesterday after all..."_

 _"Hey, you don't have to be rude about it."_

 _"Sorry, I'm just on edge right now,"_ Yami stated, managing a small smile. " _This situation is troubling...not to mention uncomfortable."_

Yugi laughed. _"I've been there buddy. But back to what I was saying, you know how the cards started acting weird when we held them up to the tablet?"_

 _"I do. It felt as if the energy of the cards was being taken away,"_ Yami answered, " _But then abruptly the energy drain stopped. I thought something would happen afterward, but nothing did aside from the brief Duel Monster sightings. It was almost as if whatever force was affecting the cards was interrupted. Do you think that might have something to do with this?"_

 _"It could,"_ the boy replied. " _At any rate, it wouldn't hurt to check the museum for clues."_

"Yugi...did you zone out or something?" Kaiba asked suddenly, sounding annoyed. "Pay attention!"

"Listen Kaiba, I have to go," Yami answered, glaring toward Joey and Tristan as their argument escalated into a cat fight. "I'll let you know if we run into any clues." Without another word to the C.E.O., he hung up the phone and turned toward his friends. "We need to head to the museum."

Joey and Tristan temporarily paused in their fight. "The museum?"

"Why would we need to go there?" Téa asked.

"Just a feeling I have," Yami replied, looking down at his grandpa...or grandma wasn't sure which one he should address him by at the moment. All of it was pretty confusing.

Solomon Muto seemed to see the question in his grandson's eyes. "Try not to think too hard about it, Yugi. I just came down here to tell you all that there was a newscast discussing this very situation. Apparently, its a widespread dilemma occurring all over the world."

"Okay, now this is just getting ridiculous," Téa interjected, placing her hands on her hips. "You can't actually mean that everyone in the world is transforming into the opposite gender."

"No, more like all the men of the world are becoming women," Solomon provided. "It's very bizarre, almost as if the whole concept was randomly crafted by a lunatic in some other dimension."

Hey! I resent that...oh sorry. Fourth wall breaking not allowed. Continue.

Once more, Téa wasn't wrapping her head around any of this. In the course of about thirty minutes her three best friends had become girls, it was clear from the phone conversation everyone heard that Kaiba had also been affected, and now pretty much all of the male population was going through this? Okay, what the crap?

Seriously, that's all Téa can think right now.

But the question on everyone else's mind is...how did it happen?

* * *

A/N: That's the first chapter...boy are you guys in for a ride. For a bit of side information, this randomness takes place right at the beginning of Yu-Gi-Oh Season 4- The Waking the Dragons Arc. Originally this was meant to be a one-shot...but it mutated into something else and now it's going to be a...I guess this is what the internet would call crack fiction? I don't know...you tell me in that comment box down there. And let me know if there's anything kooky going on in the spelling and grammar department. I tend to not check as thoroughly when writing humor stories, so if you catch something, let me know and I will fix it.

* Yori Muto is a direct reference to Ghost Wulf's OC character in her Coming Home series right here on Fanfiction net. Definitely go visit her profile and read Coming Home Part 1 & 2\. The two stories are super special awesome! Coming Home Part 3 will probably be starting up soon too, so if you haven't read parts 1 and 2, go catch up.

*Melvin as most of you know is a direct reference to Yu-Gi-Oh the abridged series...so is the purple realm for that matter. Haha!

On a final note, be sure to visit my profile to check out my other Yu-Gi-Oh stories and to check out the stories and author's in my favorite's lists. If my stuff isn't your cup of tea then surely something in those sections will interest you. Thanks for reading and have a Merry Christmas! TTY7 is out for now.


	2. Since You Asked Anyway Let's Explain

A/N: Let's just keep this crazy ball rolling, shall we? Many thanks to those who reviewed last chapter! Definitely keep those coming! It makes me feel better about losing my marbles on this one. Haha! Enjoy the chapter!

Warning: My attempt at explaining how this madness happened probably makes no sense, so take it with a grain of salt. Thanks again for reading! You guys rock!

* * *

 ** _Previously on...Don't Ask Me What This Madness Is_**

 _"We need to head to the museum."_

 _Joey and Tristan temporarily paused in their fight upon Yami's proclamation. "The museum?"_

 _"Why would we need to go there?" Téa asked._

 _"Just a feeling I have."_

* * *

The previous day...

 _An evil force is trying to manipulate the pharaoh! I have to stop it somehow!_

A bubble of pink light appeared within one of the dark halls of Domino Museum, brightening the area for a few seconds before dissipating completely. In place of the pink bubble stood a tan-skinned girl wearing a sand-brown jacket over a white knee-length dress and white ballet flats. On her head she wore a somewhat odd headdress that matched the color of her jacket.

 _"Alright! I was actually able to manifest here!"_ She cheered mentally while making sure that she was still hidden from sight. It didn't look like anyone close by had noticed a giant pink ball of light, (that would have been awkward), so with a soft smile she came out from her hiding place and started to pace through the Egyptian exhibit, looking frantically for her pharaoh.

"Okay, I know I felt his spirit somewhere close by," the girl whispered softly as she glanced about, once again hiding in a nearby hall. After a few more minutes of searching like this, she found her king standing before a large stone tablet-the Pharaoh's tablet-holding up the three Egyptian God Cards.

She narrowed her gaze in worry. " _Oh no! Am I too late?"_ The young woman could feel the evil pulsating through the room. It frightened her. That evil force...it had to be that sleeping creature of darkness her mentor had warned her about recently. If that creature reawakened, it would consume the souls of the Duel Spirits she watched over and wreak havoc upon the Earth.

In other words, her poor, naïve pharaoh was about to walk straight into a trap.

What the girl did next would later cause worldwide panic.

Concentrating hard, the strange good Samaritan summoned a blue staff with pink and gold accents and took a few steps back, hiding herself out of sight as she began to silently chant a spell. Thankfully, the dark force hovering over the tablet had only just begun to suck away the power of the Egyptian God Cards, but wasn't much time for the girl to think of anything powerful to stop the dark force. The best she could do was counteract it. Unfortunately for the evil doers and the rest of the planet, the girl didn't pay much attention to the actual spell she used. When she sent her magic out, her plan to eradicate the effects of the darkness overtaking the Egyptian God Cards worked, although Duel Monsters still appeared everywhere around the world for a few minutes. Since nothing catastrophic had happened as a result, all of it was pegged down to a simple bug in some of the duel disk systems, even though Seto Kaiba outright denied every claim to this. Everything returned to normal and the evil force didn't return...

However...

* * *

Present day...

"MANA! WHAT DID YOU DO?"

The Dark Magician Girl, otherwise known as Mana, winced at the ferocity in her master's voice. "Umm, well, I thought I was helping the pharaoh."

"Oh, you helped him alright," The Dark Magician, otherwise known as Mahad, answered sarcastically, shaking his head as he sat down on the cold stone steps of the castle the two of them guarded. "The evil force that was threatening the living world and this realm are gone for the time being, but only because you managed to cause a supernatural disaster!

Mana laughed nervously, a sweat drop forming at the side of her head. "You're being dramatic, master. It can't be _that_ bad."

Mahad crossed his arms over his chest, the green staff in his right hand suddenly looking menacing in the eyes of his top student. "Mana, all the men of the world are literally becoming women, including our pharaoh. If the spell is not reversed, this will be the end of mankind!"

"Now you're _really_ being dramatic," Mana supplied, trying to laugh off her master's worries and failing miserably. "And might I say, a bit sexist too."

"That's not what I meant, Mana." The magician shook his head in shame. "Certain spells become permanent after a set amount of time. If you don't reverse the effects, it will be the end of mankind, period, especially once the person you attempted to stop returns. Their goal is to wipe out humanity, and you my dear pupil have almost ensured it with your actions."

Mana's green eyes widened. "Oh...well then let's just reverse the effects then." With a bright smile she added, "Should be simple enough to do, right?"

"Not exactly."

Mana visibly twitched. "What do you mean 'not exactly'. The spell can be reversed, can it?"

Mahad let out a very long sigh. "Mana your spell came into contact with an ancient magic that is before our time. The only way to reverse it would be for that same spell to come into contact with that evil force again, something that may prove impossible. You were only able to manifest on the living plane for a short time and to make matters worse, you weren't paying attention to what spell you were using because you forgot everything I taught you about maintaining a level head and acted on an impulse of panic. It is not likely you'll be able to figure out which one you used in time to fix the damage you've done even if you're able to manifest yourself in the human world again..."

"Mahad, I'm really not following here," Mana cut in, question marks buzzing around her head. "Could you talk a bit more slowly please? You kinda turned into a motor mouth just then."

The master magician was suddenly very irritated with his pupil.

"Mana, you're going to have to tell Pharaoh what happened," Mahad stated, deciding that he wouldn't respond to Mana's previous plea for him to reiterate his statements. "If anyone can find a way to clean up this mess, he can. Quite frankly, I'm at a loss on what to do here." With that said, the magician stood and started off toward the castle gates in a series of quick dashes. "I'm going to scout the area. I'll return in a few hours."

"Wait!" She called out, reaching toward him as he quickly leapt to the gates. "How am I supposed to contact him?"

"That is something you will have to figure out for yourself!"

Mana's expression deadpanned. " _Some master he turned out to be, but I guess contacting the pharaoh shouldn't be too hard for me to do. Perhaps I can reach him from this world somehow..."_

* * *

Meanwhile

Dartz, the antagonist of this particular season of our humble show, was having a very bad day.

For ten millennia he had been waiting for the perfect opportunity to lay waste to humanity with the help of a creature the mystic stones of the Oricalcos had given him. Yes, the beast known simply as The Great Leviathan. Such a name screams world domination and annihilation, and Dartz found himself laughing maniacally at the thought in spite of himself. Life was on an upward swing...

Or so he thought just a few short days ago...

The final steps for "The Ultimate Plan to Lay Waste to Humanity" had been moving along swimmingly for Dartz, so much so that he hadn't been able to stop himself from dancing around a little before the final proceedings of his immaculate preparations. With a smooth voice, he lured the dumb pharaoh to the stone tablet within Domino Museum and had nearly succeeded in draining the energy of the Egyptian God monsters for the purpose of supplying the personification of doom with more power.

However, something had interrupted the magic, leaving his spell half-finished and his plan ruined. To complete it he would need to send his lackeys to steal the cards. In hindsight, he probably should have just done that to begin with.

Unfortunately for the side of evil, Dartz had a slight flair for the theatric. Despite the inhumane work that he did for a living, he was still a flawed man...a very _old_ flawedman. In fact, he is so old that it's a wonder he hadn't exhibited any senile behavior up until this point. Even his youthful appearance was a bit off-setting considering how _ancient_ he truly was. Some would have called him a very lucky man indeed.

Now...well...Dartz wasn't even sure what to call himself now.

He knew something had countered his spell and understood that the magic had remained active until late this afternoon. At that point, the magic used to defer him from his goal had mutated into a more potent kind of magic that began to infect every male inhabitant of the Earth. In the wake of this oncoming crisis, Dartz had made a drastic decision, one that he would instantly regret...

As it stood, Dartz's three subordinates-Raphael, Alister, and Valon- were the only three men left on the face of the Earth. Dartz had shielded them from the potent shadow magic as a means of making sure they wouldn't be distracted from the tasks that lie ahead. After all, the ancient man had been waiting for over ten thousand years for such a grand opportunity to rise from the ashes of his previous defeat. He wasn't going to let this mundane issue affect the feeble minds of his subordinates and in conjunction affect the effectiveness of their dueling performance. He'd spent far too much time ruining their lives to let all that slip away into the folds of hilarious chaos.

So he absorbed the full extent of the spell that was supposed to infect them all...

Not a good idea.

"I...will...have... _vengeance."_

Dartz hated his new voice. Every word he uttered sounded like some sort of seduction intended for the dwindling male population.

"Whoever is responsible...they will pay _dearly..._ "

The ancient man's face was covered almost entirely by the hood of his white cloak, which hung gracefully along his new lithe frame. Underneath the cloak he wore a long white dress that pooled in lovely folds around his ankles.

He gritted his teeth in frustration, his new long nails digging into his palms to the point where they drew blood. The stone around his neck began to pulse. " _No, I can't allow myself to fall into a fit of rage. It is more important to continue with the plan, regardless of the state I am in now, still..."_

It didn't help that by sparing his subordinates he had made the effects permanent upon himself.

Like I said before, not allowing for chaotic hilarity to ensue was a bad idea.

"Master Dartz?"

" _Oh, no..._ " Dartz twiched upon hearing Raphael's voice. He knew without having to look that Alister and Valon were present as well. " _Should I speak to them? I need for them to steal Yugi's god cards but...setting aside my pride is much more difficult than I anticipated."_

"I don't think that's Master Dartz, Raphael," Alister supplied when Dartz didn't give an answer. "Maybe that's his...sister?" The hooded man turned slightly, almost as if to send a glare toward the red-haired man.

"I didn't know he had a sister," Valon added, bringing his hand to his chin as he caught a short glimpse of the face beneath the hood. "But man is she pretty! Almost as pretty as Mai, wouldn't you guys agree?"

Raphael and Alister both looked at Valon like he'd gone nuts. "No."

Valon looked hurt. "You guys saying you don't think Dartz's sister is pretty?"

"We're saying that she looks a whole lot better than Mai and that you need your eyes checked," Alister answered, smirking when Valon glared at him.

"It's like comparing a swan to a chicken," Raphael remarked, his expression completely neutral.

"Oh! Well, chicken's taste a lot better!"

Raphael responded with a small grin. "Actually, I have had the pleasure of having swan meat before, and quite frankly it is ten times more delicious than mere chicken."

Valon was seething by this point. "Don't bring your pampered past into this! You're just jealous because I actually have a chance with pretty women, unlike you!"

Dartz just groaned. " _This is getting out of hand..._ "

Alister tried to stop himself from laughing at Valon's jibe, but failed miserably after about ten seconds. "Ouch! He got you good!"

Raphael glowered at him. "As if you'd do any better!"

"Yeah!" Valon added, raising his fist like he wanted to give the red-haired man a knuckle sandwich. "You look like a streetwalker half the time, showing off your mid-drift and wearing low-rise pants! You don't actually think that looks good, do you? Only a hooker would think so. Are you a hooker, Alister?" By the end of his rant, Valon was sporting a cheesy Cheshire Cat grin.

Alister's grey eyes sparked with the signs of untapped wrath. "Why you spiky haired runt! You're gonna eat those words!"

This buffoonery went on for quite some time until Dartz finally decided he couldn't take it anymore.

"SILENCE!"

The three men halted, all of their fists raised in mid-strike against one another.

And at this, Dartz isn't sure what to follow up with, but time is of the essence. If he plans to bring the Great Leviathan back to life, his only choice is to swallow his pride and explain the situation.

"I...am Dartz."

Expressions of confusion met this proclamation and for a few seconds Dartz wished that he would have chosen less daft subordinates.

"While attempting to drain the power of the Egyptian Gods," he began, blushing furiously, "A spell counteracted mine and transformed me into...this." He paused momentarily to clear his throat. "The three of you would have experienced this...transformation as well, but I prevented it. Unfortunately, by doing so...that is to say..." he dreaded saying this last part, "I am now a woman...permanently."

Three jaws dropped, but no one uttered a word. Dartz was grateful for this and pressed on accordingly.

"Despite this situation, we must act quickly..."

"Wait a minute!" Valon interjected, his expression one of complete terror. "You're Master Dartz!?"

Dartz's expression deadpanned, though to the three men below it looked more like he was pouting. "Yes..."

"But...you look like a supermodel!" Valon continued, unknowingly digging himself into what would be his grave if he didn't stop talking. "How did you do it?" He glanced down at Dartz's chest. "Did you stuff a bra? When did you of all people start cross-dressing? I mean, I'll admit I did kinda see it comin' but..."

"ENOUGH! I AM NOT A CROSS-DRESSER YOU DIMWIT!" Dartz screamed, the Oricalcos stone around his neck brightening again briefly. Forcing himself to take a deep breath, he continued, saying, "I just got through explaining the situation. This was not my choice. This was a cosmic accident, one that I shielded all of you from against my better judgement. Now, I am regrettably stuck this way... _forever!_ "

"This meeting got really weird, really fast," Alister commented, shaking his head in disbelief. "Come on boss, quit joking around."

"I am not joking around!" Dartz fired back, his cheeks flushing until they were a bright crimson. "Since when do I, DARTZ, ever joke around! Are you bloody stupid!?"

Alister placed both hands on his hips. "You don't have to bite my head off." His calm expression shifted into a wry smirk. "You on your period or something?"

Suddenly Dartz understood his long-departed wife a lot better.

"Master Dartz is telling the truth," Raphael stated, crossing his arms in front of his chest. "I heard a radio broadcast about this just before coming here. I thought it was just a hoax story, but...well seeing this..."

"The phenomena Raphael speaks of is affecting the entire planet," Dartz cut in, turning away from his... _her_...subordinates. "Aside from you three, every male on Earth has turned into a woman."

"Looks like you achieved your goal then," Valon stated, laughing. "You got rid of 'mankind'. Haha!"

Dartz just glared down at his feet. " _Valon will be the first to die when the Leviathan is revived. This I swear."_

With that oath ringing loud and proud in his head, Dartz turned to his three musketeers. "The three of you are to go to Yugi's home and take the Egyptian God Cards. Return here once you have completed this task."

"Yes ma'am!" Valon cheered, his smile wider than ever. Though Dartz didn't turn around, he heard Raphael and Alister share a chuckle.

 _Scratch that...when the Leviathan is revived, all three of them will be my first targets._ "Raphael, send Mai Valentine a message for me. Tell her to abort the current mission and return to this base immediately."

"Why...Mistress?" More chuckling ensued. Dartz's cheeks warmed up considerably, but the man turned woman chose not to address the comment. He had a more embarrassing statement to make.

"I need her help...finding adequate clothes to suit my new needs."

And at that a chorus of laughter filled the halls of the ancient temple. Dartz wanted to kick himself. He should have just let them become women too, then they would know the horrors he was facing.

" _Perhaps I can duplicate the spell..._ "

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A/N: That's the end of chapter 2! I hope you guys enjoyed it. Once again, Merry Christmas! I hope that this little fanfic has made you laugh! I'm having a lot of fun writing this, and if you guys enjoy reading this craziness be sure to tell me so in that comment box below. Until next chapter, this sista is out of here. Thanks again to those who have reviewed so far. I really appreciate it. Oh, and let me know if there are any grammar or spelling mistakes up there. As I stated last chapter, I tend to miss more of those mistakes when writing humor stories.


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